you will never know the true number of layers
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Social distancing in Australia:
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
i dont have time for this
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.