The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Always…
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Stop sending me this shit.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face