wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon