uncle dave has been through hell
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*