I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way