My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no