There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.