Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Yes
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.