Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.