If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
#NoRestForTheWicked
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous