[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on