Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
pep talk
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS