“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Weirdly Wednesday.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.