[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.