Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]