someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?