When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I love you…
…r dog.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
😂 amazing answer
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up