So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.