NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I am HOWLING at this
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me