The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn