I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
our love story in four pictures
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
when there are deer in the woods
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER