someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
When I snag the last meatball.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.