My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair