i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]