Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Love this one 😂🧟
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?