If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’m tired tomorrow.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says