First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Breaking news:
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”