“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?