Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
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Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
There is no try. There is only give up.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream