2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I’ve had worse
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.