After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”