*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
You Might Also Like
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Botany good plants lately?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
lol
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”