Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?