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Is this the real life?
Is this just
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
New Tinder profile.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time