I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄