why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
🏙👨🏼
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.