friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.