If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.