Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You Might Also Like
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
What flavor cupcake are these
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself