Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.