[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.