Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active