happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*