My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Tastes like chicken.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.