*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.