You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
You Might Also Like
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
this came to me in a vision
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I never know how much to tip a cow.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I think the cat got the dog high.