(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
🐕🍷
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.