[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!