Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…