Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
March 16
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: